So my friend directed me to Nightline which was having a panel about why successful black women can't find men. There was blame back and forth stemming from men being intimidated, to women eliminating brothers with potential in favor of those who've already made it. In the end though, no real conclusion was reached.
It made me think, really it did. Why can't successful black women find a man? I don't think it's because men are intimidated by strong black women. I don't think it's because women discard potential. Those might be factors with some people but in my opinion it's not the only factors. I think a lot of the issues that lead to the lack of marriage relationships for black women stems from being too independent.
I'll preface by saying there is nothing wrong with being independent. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who can get what she wants when she wants (for herself). But really there is a point where the independence can turn into stubborn pride. That's when we get the women who don't allow a man to do anything for them. They don't want to cook or clean or do anything that might put them in the running for securing the dreaded label of "traditional".
Women in general now don't like the idea of being traditional, or being humble, of being submissive. Calling a woman traditional is almost like cursing at her. Submission has become a dirty word. Humility rarely exists in our society. These are all qualities that need to exist for a successful marriage. At some point in the marriage relationship either the husband or the wife is going to have to submit to the will of their partner. That's are how decisions and compromises are made. If you live without humility you are bound to piss people off and gain the reputation of being prideful. So really I think subconsciously many of these women are not prepared for a serious/marriage relationship. That requires being humble, submissive and a tad dependent. If they are not prepared to do that then they are not prepared to have a man.
Now on the Nightline panel, Sherri Shepherd said something that I found very interesting. She said she doesn't have the energy or time to keep validating a man's ego, and that is part of the problem she finds with men. Now if the situation was reversed and a man said that about her then I'm sure she would find it quite insulting but this is how people talk to each other. This is part of the problem. Folks don't know how to edit their mouths.
I don't want to put all the blame on black women because it isn't all their fault. There is a genuine lack of men who are motivated enough to even be worthy of getting in relationships with. Many of these men do cheat on their women. Or they leave the women who have had their backs years in favor of some arm candy.
Let's be clear that I'm not advocating that black women allow themselves to be dominated. I hate a pushover woman just as much as I hate one with too much pride. Both are extremes and extremes are never good. It is comforting however to know that so many of these women want companions. It shows that we haven't let ourselves get to the extreme point where we feel we don't need a companion at all. I just think these women should evaluate themselves. They might biologically and physically ready for a mate but are they mentally and emotionally ready?
-L
